Why I Negotiate Quid Pro Quos With Myself

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The term quid pro quo is bouncing off the chandeliers and Mercedes bumpers out there. I hear it because sound waves travel far, did you know? It’s a term for the business world, politics, backrooms, for negotiations and diplomacy. It’s for the underworld and crime rings. It’s for decision-makers and colleagues. It’s about influence and deals. Sometimes, it’s a crime. Other times, not. As with many things, it depends.

A relative of mine brought the term up the other day. We were joking. It was fun. But I walked away with the words circling in my head. Quid pro quo. It comes from the Latin “something for something.” A favor for a favor.

For the longest time, I’ve tried to articulate what’s going on when I trick myself into doing something I don’t want to do now but my future self would love if I did. It’s standing up and moving toward tomorrow when all I want to do is stay seated. Or, it’s getting myself to act on the long-term when I’d rather tend to the urgent short-term tasks in front of me — none of which are urgent.

What’s the mechanism at play here? I coach on this frequently. How can we convince ourselves to do something we’ll be glad we did — but not until later? Later is a mirage. Delayed gratification isn’t something we’re born with. It’s a learned skill. Once learned, though, it’s a rock star skill.

Could it be that when I negotiate a deal with myself to act on the long-term, I’m setting up a quid pro quo? It’s an interesting thought. It certainly feels like a negotiation with tomorrow. I say, “Look, I’ll do this favor for you, Tomorrow, if you make me feel happy and proud — or relieved — when you arrive.”

While I’m not an unethical deal maker with myself, or a criminal among my internal voices, I am creating a transaction within. If I act now as a favor to Future Me, I’ll receive the luxury of a better future. Every time I do this, the future is indeed luxurious — bereft of anxiety, regret, or the rush to act at the last minute.

Quid pro quo seems apt for what I do. I put Today and Tomorrow in the same room and have them agree to an exchange — one does all the work, and the other pays in happy-cash. Their agreements have had a significant influence on my life.

Another word for it is grit. Do the hard stuff now in exchange for the reward of achievement. Don’t get the impression that I’ve built Fortune 500 companies, discovered the cure for cancer, or won gold medals at the Olympics. But I tend to be happy with what I get done.

Over time, something changed as I gained experience with these inner negotiations. My self-deals evolved into a new understanding. They slowly grew towards charity and away from transaction. Once you’ve negotiated enough successful motivational quid pro quos, you start to expect that you’ll follow through on your end of the bargain. This leads to a new way of looking at things. You feel a little richer. You know you can give to your future self out of largesse because you know how to get things done. You give to your future because you feel wealthy in capability.

You also want to be nice to yourself. You want to see your future self with that innocent full-toothed grin when she is struck with pride over the fact that she succeeded. It all sounds so weird, but it feels so true.

And, it’s wonderful. There’s more flow and less friction. There’s more willingness and less fear. I can predict more readily that I’ll do what I need to do, and this feels like being on vacation with myself while working hard.

These days, I’m living out a huge quid pro quo with myself regarding writing the first draft of my first fiction novel. It’s a huge gamble with my future self. Will this book ever live beyond its life as a manuscript? So far, it seems a crazy idea — dump massive hours into writing something that might never pan out. How can you have a proper quid pro quo for such a thing? This might be my first shady deal with myself.

My internal deals around exercise are decent risks. They’ve already paid off and will likely continue to do so. The deals I make with myself around my coaching business are paying off. I’ve learned so much in my ongoing education, and knowledge is always worth the effort. The people I’ve met and the clients I’ve coached have changed me for the better. People are amazing when you give them the safety to be vulnerable. They teach you about life in the process. When they have small successes, you’re over-the-moon happy for them, which is a beautiful position to be in.

Maintaining a clean home, saving money, building friendships, volunteering — these were all well-chosen quid pro quos. But writing a novel? So far, it’s clear to me that I might be the fool in this negotiation. Perhaps I’ll walk away smarter — more skilled, somehow more knowledgeable. Maybe I’ll be wiser once I realize it was a gross waste of time, and I proceed to shower myself with compassionate acceptance. But do these qualify as “something for something”?

I can’t know that now. But this experience is teaching me one thing so far. A quid pro quo is not a certainty. Sometimes, it’s a decent act of trust. Other times, we go in exposed. Still, other times, we are fooling ourselves, which means we can’t know until we know.

The one key thing is that the winner will be me, no matter what. Either my present self will have been wrong to agree to the deal, and I’ll learn from that. Or my future self will show me that it was a great idea to trust her. Either way, I come out wiser.

That’s not a bad deal.

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Have a nice rest of your week, all!