To the Encouragement Gurus of the World

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My mother-in-law, Bev, died on Christmas day 2019. Her celebration-of-life memorial was squeezed in right before Covid shut the US down in the spring of 2020. The former was a days-long period we flew from Virginia to California to take part in, thanks to my sister-in-law who alerted us to get over there stat. The latter was a whirlwind of emotions because one, it was a memorial service; and two, it happened as a frenetic situation grew exponentially around the world.

Of all of it, I like to remember singing to my mother-in-law as she made her way out the door of life.

I waited until the crowd gathered around her bed had migrated to the kitchen for lunch. I finally had some privacy to do what I’d hoped to do — sing her a lullaby I’d sung to my boys when they were young. I thought I could detect a bit of agitation in her, peeking through the pain meds at times. The Alzheimer’s surely wasn’t making things easier.

Maybe a gentle stroking of her forehead and a soft lullaby would be calming. It was a good call. As soon as I began, I could see her whole being drop into a complete calm. She melted in front of me. This was heartening, so I kept going.

As I sang and brushed her head with my fingers, I thanked her in my heart for all the times she’d been so encouraging of the things I wanted to do, of the things I wanted to try. Bev was many things — plus and minus, like every one of us — but the one thing that stands out to me was her positivity and exuberance. She was an expert encourager. This was a gift to anyone who knew her. One Bev-ism that I still carry with me today is, “You’re doing it, honey.”

“You’re doing it” was her way of pointing out you were already on your way toward your goal. She didn’t wish you good luck. She didn’t tell you that you can achieve what you want to. Instead, she went a step further — perhaps from her training in education — by pointing out you had already made progress and were on your way. That you already had wins. In humans, wins tend to beget more wins.

This was the best thing she ever gave me, and I keep it on the center of my dresser, on top of the mantle I don’t have, in my pocket, in my heart, and front of mind.

After Bev’s memorial, my husband and I flew home and began hunkering down for Covid. My neighbors and I began our mask-making enterprise, a collaboration of cloth mask production for donation to local medical and business establishments.

I looked at the pile of squares of fabric my neighbor had cut out, and which the kids of my other neighbor retrieved and delivered over to me — we called the kids Logistics. It was a lot of sewing and there was a lot of unknown in the world. The task was a tiny foothill of the beastly Covid mountain.

I set up a mask factory on my kitchen table, where I also put a picture of Bev to the side. She had transferred crazy amounts of sewing knowledge and skill to me over the years in her home sewing studio.

I’d look at the photo and tell her, “I’m doing it, Beevie.”

This gave me comfort because it’s become my mantra when I need to boost optimism or self-confidence. It’s a little emotional course corrector — things are progressing, Stephanie. It was a way to include her in what she no doubt would have been a firecracker at — making masks in the early stages of Covid. It was also my way of saying goodbye to her body, and hello to her memory.

Over the years, that little three-word phrase has grown in effectiveness for me. It shifts me away from thinking pessimistically and over to noticing I’m on my way to where I want to be. It conjures up the progress I’ve already made, which for me, can so easily be forgotten.

Words can be a gamechanger for us. The more there are positive clumps of words floating around out there, the greater the impact. It’s statistics.

Here’s the thing. Encouragement is not that hard, but it’s a skill. It’s a skill to even remember to do it. When we can remember to do it for others and for ourselves, there is a real possibility the encouragement is sown, takes root, and one day becomes someone’s go-to when times seem tough.

I can’t imagine something else so influential born of something so simple and brief. I think that’s extraordinary. What’s more, we usually never know where our seeds ended up growing. It’s the great unknown of positive influence.

I wish I’d told my mother-in-law that her little buoyant phrase has helped me countless times over the years. I didn’t. I might have been too young to understand how imperative it is to tell folks how much they’ve helped. I’m glad I sang her a song though. I hope it made her last hours a little easier somehow.

Sometimes, the best things are the simplest. Thank you, Beevie, for your encouragement. I’m doing it.