Severe Sleep Deprivation And A Two-Year-Old's Laugh Were My Best Gifts

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Oh, stress, you necessary hijacker. We can’t live with you. We can’t live without you. You’re here to stay — though we don’t have to give you your own bedroom and free laundry service. We can transfer you to the basement and feed you kibbles, sparingly.

I’ve been enjoying TV series on animals lately — as a stress reducer, speaking of which — and am reminded of how we animals will activate stress out of necessity. It gets us to move from harm’s way. I know this is the normal course of events for survival, however, too much stress or misplaced stress can add up to become its own harm.

The world is beyond complicated, from the microscopic to the interconnection of the human world, from that which happens in fleeting moments to geologic time. Across this big arena exist stressors — or initiators — that often get the countless balls on earth rolling.

Luckily, the sun rises each day  to lighten the dark  and welcome a different kind of initiator that spurs feel-good motivation, rather than feel-bad motivation. The world does not freak out non-stop. When these other initiators are engaged, they can create incredible outcomes. They feel luxuriously deluxe on the nervous system, too.

When we overstress, we lose access to some personal luxuries. A famously posh one is sleep. When you have it, you’re high-end living. When you don’t, you exist in the trash can — not posh, not fun, not healthy.

I’m no stranger to sleep troubles. Not only have I known this for as long as I can remember, but my mother tells me I struggled before I can remember — since the beginning.

I’ve heard from countless people lately that their sleep is on the rocks. World news seems to be one factor. One’s workload is another. Interpersonal relationships yet another. There are many reasons for difficulty falling asleep, staying asleep, or sleeping too much. Thankfully, there are ways to get sleep back on track.

Because of a recent crazy sleep struggle, I entered a day that I crown as one of the most tired of my life. It was awful. It came at the tail end of a stretch of wretched sleep — if I can even call it sleep. Yet, this is what it took for me to get serious about getting back to stasis. I couldn’t ignore or downplay my sleep situation any longer. I had to do something about my stress.

This was a gift.

To start, my stress seemed to come from one clear source and one not-so-clear source.

It was clear I had a lot of extra responsibilities on my plate of late. I invited them onto this plate of mine, so these were things I chose. Yet, once I got better acquainted with this new serving of tasks, my heart would lurch the minute I changed out of my pajamas and sat down at my desk. This was an obvious source of stress.

The other source wasn’t so clear. The news has been wacky lately, but I’m not a big devourer of news. I don’t dwell on it as much as one can. How could this be a source of stress then? But when wacky comes full force, even if all I see are bits and hints, it’d still be hard to disconnect from its influence without making a distinct effort to do so.

I wasn’t doing so.

Once I identified my stressors, I had my work cut out for me.

Luckily, I’m in another class with Rick Hanson, PhD, a senior fellow at UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center. He’s my saving grace, I tell you. This class is a year-long trek through the neuroscience of that which makes us feel and do better rather than not. Using this as the backdrop for my quest to calm my nerves and find sleep again was my first step.

I started to notice the way I was living moment to moment. I wasn’t intentional about turning to a healthier mindset — a wiser bird’s eye view. I was knee-jerking it through my days.

This is when the hysterical laughter of a two-year-old shook me awake.

I was in the grocery store with my son, eating some dinner together in the dining area — because Wegmans grocery store is the GOAT. Suddenly, halfway through my sushi pack, a little boy behind us, sitting between his parents in a highchair, started to giggle. Then he started to laugh. The laugh turned into an uncontrollable fit of hysteria and soon all eyes were peeking at him from around the dining area.

His parents subtly apologized to the other diners with helpless though amused facial expressions. We giggled, smiled, and nodded. As my son and I got up to leave, I thanked the young parents for their son. “Your son made my whole day. Thank you.”

They smiled — a bit relieved and perhaps a little wiser. We keep each other afloat, after all.

As my son and I strolled around the store together, I went deep into thought. A little thing like the sound of an overjoyed toddler can act as a reminder of the permanent invite to mentally pivot. We can catastrophize or we can enjoy the gifts in front of us. Even if there isn’t a belly-laughing two-year-old in front of us, there’s a treasure sitting silent, waiting to be discovered.

Now I had two gifts: terrible sleep and beautiful laughter. It was clear to me the choice was mine to make — living down on the ground, taking the goodness in, or spiraling up in the air, freaking out. Which do I choose?

That’s a rhetorical question, but there was work to be done. You don’t just sit around and wait for happiness to find you. You live with intention.

I gathered the smaller tasks off my plate of responsibilities and relegated them only to Saturday. Suddenly, I had more bandwidth during the week. I shut down the news completely except for one daily newsletter in my inbox. At least for the time being, I have peace. I started having my morning coffee next to a full-spectrum light box.

I’m doing other things, too. I meditate more, spend time with people, watch the animal series, read fiction, do puzzles on the kitchen table, draw my comics, and walk outside. Some of this is social time. Some is mindful getting-into-the-zone time. Some is active time. All of it is choosing good and none of it is choosing freak-out.

And guess what? While my sleep isn’t back to normal, it’s improved markedly. Even though I’m an experiment of one, I like the results I’m getting.

So, to you, I say nighty night. Sleep well. Let’s choose the good. We’ll thank ourselves later. We’ll be well-rested, too.

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Hope you're doing (and sleeping) well, friends.